Really cute "game" try clicking on everything...once I got thru the first of the 3 "rooms" it wasn't so hard.....here's a lil cheat...= the cactus...
http://hollywoodrecords.go.com/polyphonicspree/questfortherest/
Put your brains to work...
Friday, July 27, 2007
Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says "Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their wroth as a human been?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimmination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this , mister, Im talking to that little bastard on your knee!".
Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says "Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their wroth as a human been?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimmination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this , mister, Im talking to that little bastard on your knee!".
Two Blondes
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'
'No, I'm sorry.'
' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '
'Will it take ME ?''
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'
'No, I'm sorry.'
' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '
'Will it take ME ?''
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. "
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. "
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Wanna be six again?
A husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland. What a day! They went on every ride in the park, the Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion..
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They drove to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, along with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about? I meant my dress size.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland. What a day! They went on every ride in the park, the Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion..
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They drove to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, along with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about? I meant my dress size.
Signs of Humor
Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."
In an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you are looking for, you've come to the right place."
In front of a church: "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non - smoking?"
Outside a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
On an electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."
In an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you are looking for, you've come to the right place."
In front of a church: "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non - smoking?"
Outside a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
On an electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Execution?
Bill Clinton, John Kerry and George Bush are captured by terrorists and
told they will be executed by a firing squad at dawn the next morning.
***********************************************
Just as the sun is rising the next day, Clinton is placed against the wall.
Just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad falls into a panic, Bill jumps over the wall and
escapes in the confusion.
****************************************************
John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall.
The squad is reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done.
Before the order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!"
Again the squad falls apart and Kerry slips over the wall, thus making hi s escape.
***************************************************************
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall.
He thinks, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall."
****************************************
As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his
direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, .............."Fire!"
(I Peter 3:12). "For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil."
told they will be executed by a firing squad at dawn the next morning.
***********************************************
Just as the sun is rising the next day, Clinton is placed against the wall.
Just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad falls into a panic, Bill jumps over the wall and
escapes in the confusion.
****************************************************
John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall.
The squad is reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done.
Before the order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!"
Again the squad falls apart and Kerry slips over the wall, thus making hi s escape.
***************************************************************
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall.
He thinks, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall."
****************************************
As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his
direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, .............."Fire!"
(I Peter 3:12). "For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil."
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Riddle me this!
Riddle me this!!!
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
When we cannot find contentment in ourselves it is useless to seek it elsewhere
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
When we cannot find contentment in ourselves it is useless to seek it elsewhere
Observant Policeman
An Observant Policeman
posted by: Brother Chris on: 02.06.07
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
. . . priceless.
He who's down... fears no fall.
posted by: Brother Chris on: 02.06.07
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
. . . priceless.
He who's down... fears no fall.
Crazy Laws 20 -
In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide
rails for tying up horses.
In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it
frightens horses.
In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
rails for tying up horses.
In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it
frightens horses.
In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
Crazy Laws 1 - 10
Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up
telephone poles.
If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you
are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to
have it done.
No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.
An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public
place without its master on a leash."
Another miss worded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray
pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose
without a taillight.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of
their whereabouts.
A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at
all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required
to wear diapers. 20
telephone poles.
If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you
are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to
have it done.
No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.
An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public
place without its master on a leash."
Another miss worded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray
pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose
without a taillight.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of
their whereabouts.
A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at
all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required
to wear diapers. 20
American Fuel Efficiency
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a
year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not Bad
Eph. 3:6 namely that the Gentiles are joint heirs, and fellow members of the same body, and joint partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a
year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not Bad
Eph. 3:6 namely that the Gentiles are joint heirs, and fellow members of the same body, and joint partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus
Too Funnnny!!
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party the host said, "I have a 10 foot man eating gator in my pool and I' ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. " The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud spash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking it's ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head buts, and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising Hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it floa t to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay, I don't want it." said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said NO.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party the host said, "I have a 10 foot man eating gator in my pool and I' ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. " The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud spash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking it's ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head buts, and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising Hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it floa t to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay, I don't want it." said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said NO.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
Rest Airline Cabin Announcements
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles ..
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine."
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles ..
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine."
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Airline Cabin Announcements
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
True Doctor Stories
True Doctor Stories
>
> A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to
> have her baby in the
> cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
> rushed out to the cab,
> lifted the lady's --Dress,
> and began to take off her
> underwear. Suddenly I
> noticed that there were
> several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift
> I placed a stethoscope on
> an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's
> anterior chest wall.
> Big breaths," I
> instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully
> replied the patient.
>
> --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer
> of bad news when I told
> a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive
> myocardial infarct. Not
> more than five minutes
> later, I heard her reporting
> to the rest of the family
> that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart."
>
> --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
>
> I was performing a complete physical,
> including the
> visual acuity test. I
> placed the patient twenty
> feet from the chart and
> began, "Cover your right
> eye with your hand." He read
> the 20/20 line perfectly.
> "Now your left."
> Again, a flawless read. " Now both,"
> I requested. There
> was silence. He
> couldn't even read the
> large E on the top line. I
> turned and discovered that
> he had done exactly what
> I had asked; he was standing
> there with both h is
> eyes covered. I was laughing
> too hard to finish the exam.
>
> --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
>
>
> During a patient's two week
> follow-up appointment with
> his cardiologist, he
> informed me, his doctor,
> that he was having trouble
> with one of his
> medications. Which one?"
> I asked. The patch. The nurse
> told me to put on a
> new one every six hours and
> now I'm running out of
> places to put it!" I had
> him quickly undress and
> discovered what I hoped I
> wouldn't see.
>
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
>
> Now the instructions include removal of
> the old patch before applying a new one.
>
> --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
>
> While acquainting myself with
> a new elderly patient, I
> asked, "How long have
> you been bed-ridden?"
> After a look of complete
> confusion she answered,
> "Why, not for about twenty years
> -- when my husband was alive."
>
> --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
> "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
> the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
> labeled "KY Jelly."
>
> --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . .
>
>
> A new, young MD doing his
> residency in OB was quite
> embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover
> his embarrassment he had
> unconsciously formed
> a habit of whistling softly.
>
> The middle aged lady upon whom
> he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst
> out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up
> from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
> Was I tickling you?"
>
> She replied, "No doctor,
> but the song you were
> whistling was 'I wish I was
> an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
> --won't admit his name
>
> A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to
> have her baby in the
> cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
> rushed out to the cab,
> lifted the lady's --Dress,
> and began to take off her
> underwear. Suddenly I
> noticed that there were
> several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift
> I placed a stethoscope on
> an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's
> anterior chest wall.
> Big breaths," I
> instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully
> replied the patient.
>
> --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer
> of bad news when I told
> a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive
> myocardial infarct. Not
> more than five minutes
> later, I heard her reporting
> to the rest of the family
> that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart."
>
> --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
>
> I was performing a complete physical,
> including the
> visual acuity test. I
> placed the patient twenty
> feet from the chart and
> began, "Cover your right
> eye with your hand." He read
> the 20/20 line perfectly.
> "Now your left."
> Again, a flawless read. " Now both,"
> I requested. There
> was silence. He
> couldn't even read the
> large E on the top line. I
> turned and discovered that
> he had done exactly what
> I had asked; he was standing
> there with both h is
> eyes covered. I was laughing
> too hard to finish the exam.
>
> --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
>
>
> During a patient's two week
> follow-up appointment with
> his cardiologist, he
> informed me, his doctor,
> that he was having trouble
> with one of his
> medications. Which one?"
> I asked. The patch. The nurse
> told me to put on a
> new one every six hours and
> now I'm running out of
> places to put it!" I had
> him quickly undress and
> discovered what I hoped I
> wouldn't see.
>
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
>
> Now the instructions include removal of
> the old patch before applying a new one.
>
> --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
>
> While acquainting myself with
> a new elderly patient, I
> asked, "How long have
> you been bed-ridden?"
> After a look of complete
> confusion she answered,
> "Why, not for about twenty years
> -- when my husband was alive."
>
> --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
> "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
> the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
> labeled "KY Jelly."
>
> --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . .
>
>
> A new, young MD doing his
> residency in OB was quite
> embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover
> his embarrassment he had
> unconsciously formed
> a habit of whistling softly.
>
> The middle aged lady upon whom
> he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst
> out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up
> from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
> Was I tickling you?"
>
> She replied, "No doctor,
> but the song you were
> whistling was 'I wish I was
> an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
> --won't admit his name
Breakfast at McDonald's
Breakfast at McDonald's .
Please read until the end.
This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called "Smile."
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.
I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.
We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.
I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling".
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.
He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.
I held my tears as I stood there with them.
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).
Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.
I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope."
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.
We are not church goers, but we are believers.
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.
Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.
She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
Philippians 4:6 Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests know to God.
Please read until the end.
This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called "Smile."
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.
I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.
We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.
I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling".
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.
He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.
I held my tears as I stood there with them.
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).
Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.
I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope."
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.
We are not church goers, but we are believers.
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.
Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.
She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
Philippians 4:6 Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests know to God.
Ventriloquist / Butler
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says "Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their wroth as a human been?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimmination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this , mister, Im talking that little bastard on your knee." ===================================================================================
Butler
This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A guy came home and found his wife in bed with three guys. "Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them. "Aren't you talking to me?" his wife snapped.
Did you hear about the blonde who put under "Education" on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...
Psalm 113:1-2 Praise, you servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord
Blessed be the name of the Lord
both now and forever.
Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says "Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their wroth as a human been?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimmination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this , mister, Im talking that little bastard on your knee." ===================================================================================
Butler
This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A guy came home and found his wife in bed with three guys. "Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them. "Aren't you talking to me?" his wife snapped.
Did you hear about the blonde who put under "Education" on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...
Psalm 113:1-2 Praise, you servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord
Blessed be the name of the Lord
both now and forever.
2 Blondes
Two Blondes
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'
'No, I'm sorry.'
' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '
'Will it take ME ?''
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'
'No, I'm sorry.'
' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '
'Will it take ME ?''
Bizarre Real Life Animal Laws
In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
===========
Psalm 34:20 Many are the troubles of the just man, but out of them all the Lord delivers him.
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
===========
Psalm 34:20 Many are the troubles of the just man, but out of them all the Lord delivers him.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Pass the Butter
Pass the butter ~ ~ ~ ~ This is interesting.
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods..
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")!
"Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself."
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods..
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")!
"Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself."
Really 'cute' Game
Really cute "game" try clicking on everything...once I got thru the first of the 3 "rooms" it wasn't so hard.....a lil cheat....the cactus...
http://hollywoodrecords.go.com/polyphonicspree/questfortherest/
Put your brains to work...
http://hollywoodrecords.go.com/polyphonicspree/questfortherest/
Put your brains to work...
BOUNCE-SHEET REMEDIES
BOUNCE-SHEET REMEDIES
>My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent out a message To
>all
>letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets, to keep
>yellow-jackets away.
>
>Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am
>working outside. It really works. The yellow jackets just veer around you.
>
>1. All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer! It will
>chase
>ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.
>
>2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are
>sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
>
>3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened
>too
>often.
>
>4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when
>outdoors during mosquito season.
>
>5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
>
>6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your
>television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
>
>7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
>
>8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in
>a drawer or hang in the closet.
>
>9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
>
>10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of
>Bounce before beginning to sew.
>
>11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside
>empty luggage before storing.
>
>12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the
>front
>seat.
>
>13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill
>with
>water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent
>apparently
>weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
>
>14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom
>of the wastebasket.
>
>15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will
>magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
>
>16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with
>a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
>
>17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce
>will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
>
>18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce
>at
>the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
>
>19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or
>sneakers overnight.
>
>20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
>
>21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and
>storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
>
>22. Quick, bounce this on within the next 5 minutes! Nothing will happen if
>you don't, but your friends will be glad to hear these hints
>
> ¸... __________________
> ·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ ____/\
> ```)¨(´´´ | | | | | | | || |l±±±±|
> ¸,.-·°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°·-. :º° ·~·~·-..,¸
>
>
>"An individual has a healthy personality to the exact degree to
>which they have the propensity to look for the good in every
>situation."
>My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent out a message To
>all
>letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets, to keep
>yellow-jackets away.
>
>Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am
>working outside. It really works. The yellow jackets just veer around you.
>
>1. All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer! It will
>chase
>ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.
>
>2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are
>sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
>
>3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened
>too
>often.
>
>4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when
>outdoors during mosquito season.
>
>5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
>
>6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your
>television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
>
>7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
>
>8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in
>a drawer or hang in the closet.
>
>9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
>
>10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of
>Bounce before beginning to sew.
>
>11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside
>empty luggage before storing.
>
>12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the
>front
>seat.
>
>13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill
>with
>water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent
>apparently
>weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
>
>14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom
>of the wastebasket.
>
>15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will
>magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
>
>16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with
>a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
>
>17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce
>will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
>
>18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce
>at
>the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
>
>19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or
>sneakers overnight.
>
>20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
>
>21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and
>storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
>
>22. Quick, bounce this on within the next 5 minutes! Nothing will happen if
>you don't, but your friends will be glad to hear these hints
>
> ¸... __________________
> ·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ ____/\
> ```)¨(´´´ | | | | | | | || |l±±±±|
> ¸,.-·°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°·-. :º° ·~·~·-..,¸
>
>
>"An individual has a healthy personality to the exact degree to
>which they have the propensity to look for the good in every
>situation."
Sick Leave
Blonde's and Funnies
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. "
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. "
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Bizarre Real Life Animal Laws / laws our taxes are spent to create
Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up
telephone poles.
If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you
are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to
have it done.
No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.
An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public
place without its master on a leash."
Another miss worded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray
pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose
without a taillight.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of
their whereabouts.
A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at
all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required
to wear diapers.
In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide
rails for tying up horses.
In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it
frightens horses.
telephone poles.
If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you
are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to
have it done.
No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.
An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public
place without its master on a leash."
Another miss worded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray
pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose
without a taillight.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of
their whereabouts.
A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at
all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required
to wear diapers.
In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide
rails for tying up horses.
In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it
frightens horses.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Some Funny
Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
A Lawyer and a Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just
wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game
is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will
easily win the match, so he makes another offer.
"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me
only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? "
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends
he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the
answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands
the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
John 6:37 - - - Anyone who comes to me I will in no way reject
flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just
wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game
is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."
Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will
easily win the match, so he makes another offer.
"Okay, how about this, if you don't know the answer you pay me
only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there
will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her
purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn.
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four? "
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his
laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the
Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of
Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends
he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the
answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands
the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
John 6:37 - - - Anyone who comes to me I will in no way reject
Blandina
Blandina
The sufferings of the martyrs of Lyons and Vienne (Pothinus and Companions) during Marcus Aurelius' persecution of Christians included being ostracized (excluded from various public places) then insulted and stoned, and finally imprisoned.. Among these martyrs was a slave named Blandina, who derived strength from saying, " I am a Christian and mothing vile is done amongst us" She was hung on a stake in an amphitheater. Looking like one crucified, Blandina prayed fervently and thus strengthened the other christians. When the beasts would not harm her, she was imprisioned again and made to watch her companions being tortured. Finally she was brought out with a youth named Ponticus. both refused to swear by idols and were tortured. Ponticus was encouraged by Blandina; he persevered until death. Then Blandina died triumphantly "as if she had been summoned to a marriage feast". After the scourges, after the wild animals, after the frying pan, she was thrown at last into a net and exposed to a bull....the heathen themselves confessing that they had never known a woman to show such endurance.
The sufferings of the martyrs of Lyons and Vienne (Pothinus and Companions) during Marcus Aurelius' persecution of Christians included being ostracized (excluded from various public places) then insulted and stoned, and finally imprisoned.. Among these martyrs was a slave named Blandina, who derived strength from saying, " I am a Christian and mothing vile is done amongst us" She was hung on a stake in an amphitheater. Looking like one crucified, Blandina prayed fervently and thus strengthened the other christians. When the beasts would not harm her, she was imprisioned again and made to watch her companions being tortured. Finally she was brought out with a youth named Ponticus. both refused to swear by idols and were tortured. Ponticus was encouraged by Blandina; he persevered until death. Then Blandina died triumphantly "as if she had been summoned to a marriage feast". After the scourges, after the wild animals, after the frying pan, she was thrown at last into a net and exposed to a bull....the heathen themselves confessing that they had never known a woman to show such endurance.
Crazy Animal laws
Bizarre Real Life Animal Laws / laws our taxes are spent to create
Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up
telephone poles.
If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you
are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to
have it done.
No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.
An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public
place without its master on a leash."
Another miss worded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray
pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose
without a taillight.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of
their whereabouts.
A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at
all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required
to wear diapers.
In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide
rails for tying up horses.
In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it
frightens horses.
In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
===========
Psalm 34:20 Many are the troubles of the just man, but out of them all the Lord delivers him.
Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up
telephone poles.
If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you
are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to
have it done.
No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.
An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public
place without its master on a leash."
Another miss worded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray
pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose
without a taillight.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of
their whereabouts.
A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at
all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required
to wear diapers.
In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide
rails for tying up horses.
In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it
frightens horses.
In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
===========
Psalm 34:20 Many are the troubles of the just man, but out of them all the Lord delivers him.
Birthday Present
Dear Diary,
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club
and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a
Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo
Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next
to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then
she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to
workout
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs
more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or
the choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
Ps. 51:12 A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week
of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still
in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided
it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club
and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified
herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She
was something of a
Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.
Woo
Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next
to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda
made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then
she
put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel
GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when
she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest
hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.
Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half
an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to
workout
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
my
triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs
more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama
coach or
the choir director?
SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want
to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root
canal or a vasectomy.
Ps. 51:12 A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Candy Cane
Candy Cane...Story about a straying lamb...(Religious)
http://wandascountryhome.com/lamb/index.html
http://wandascountryhome.com/lamb/index.html
Random Space Facts
A site with random space facts--some of them are dated but all are interesting...
http://www.psi.edu/sji/ed/spcfact.html
http://www.psi.edu/sji/ed/spcfact.html
Great questions!
31. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? (Pub Shoutpost)
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
33. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
34. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
35. How is it possible to have a civil war?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
39. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
40. If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
41. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
42. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
43. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
44. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
45. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
33. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
34. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
35. How is it possible to have a civil war?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
39. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
40. If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
41. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
42. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
43. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
44. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
45. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Facts of Life
31. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
33. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
34. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
35. How is it possible to have a civil war?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
39. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
40. If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
41. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
42. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
43. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
44. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
45. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
33. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
34. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
35. How is it possible to have a civil war?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
39. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
40. If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
41. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
42. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
43. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
44. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
45. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Beer Troubleshooting
Beer Troubleshooting
1Problem:You can no longer feel the taste of beer. The feeling of satisfaction has disappeared. The beer appears to have become colorless.
Possible Cause:Your glass may be empty.
Solution:Quickly find someone willing to buy you another glass of beer.
2Problem:The taste is gone. So is the warm feeling. Your shirt feels somewhat wet from the collar down.
Possible Cause:Your mouth may be closed. Alternatively, you may be missing your mouth with your glass.
Solution:Regular practice sessions in front of the mirror are recommended.
3Problem:Your feet feel wet and cold.
Possible Cause:Your glass/mug/can/bottle is oriented upside down.
Solution:Position your beer so that the frothy part is pointed towards the ceiling.
4Problem:Your feet feel wet and warm.
Possible Cause:You suffer from insufficient bladder control.
Solution:Drink your beer in the vicinity of a dog (make sure it has a collar). After your "accident", request the owner of the dog make reparations in the form of beer.
5Problem:The floor looks blurry and out of focus.
Possible Cause:You are observing the floor throught he bottom of your empty beer glass.
Solution:Quickly find someone willing to buy you another glass of beer. (Hint: See previous entry.)
6Problem:Fluorecent lights have somehow migrated down to the wall.
Possible Cause:You have fallen on your back.
Solution:Loudly request that someone pick you up and guide you to the bar.
7Problem:Your beer tastes flat and a little fruity.
Possible Cause:The Barman has poured you a glass of Cranberry juice by mistake.
Solution:Make way to the bar (See #6), and loudly protest the horrible injustice. Request compensation in the form of beer.
Psalm 32:10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the LORD, mercy shall compass him about.
1Problem:You can no longer feel the taste of beer. The feeling of satisfaction has disappeared. The beer appears to have become colorless.
Possible Cause:Your glass may be empty.
Solution:Quickly find someone willing to buy you another glass of beer.
2Problem:The taste is gone. So is the warm feeling. Your shirt feels somewhat wet from the collar down.
Possible Cause:Your mouth may be closed. Alternatively, you may be missing your mouth with your glass.
Solution:Regular practice sessions in front of the mirror are recommended.
3Problem:Your feet feel wet and cold.
Possible Cause:Your glass/mug/can/bottle is oriented upside down.
Solution:Position your beer so that the frothy part is pointed towards the ceiling.
4Problem:Your feet feel wet and warm.
Possible Cause:You suffer from insufficient bladder control.
Solution:Drink your beer in the vicinity of a dog (make sure it has a collar). After your "accident", request the owner of the dog make reparations in the form of beer.
5Problem:The floor looks blurry and out of focus.
Possible Cause:You are observing the floor throught he bottom of your empty beer glass.
Solution:Quickly find someone willing to buy you another glass of beer. (Hint: See previous entry.)
6Problem:Fluorecent lights have somehow migrated down to the wall.
Possible Cause:You have fallen on your back.
Solution:Loudly request that someone pick you up and guide you to the bar.
7Problem:Your beer tastes flat and a little fruity.
Possible Cause:The Barman has poured you a glass of Cranberry juice by mistake.
Solution:Make way to the bar (See #6), and loudly protest the horrible injustice. Request compensation in the form of beer.
Psalm 32:10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the LORD, mercy shall compass him about.
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