Birthday Present

Dear Diary,



For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week

of

personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still

in

great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided



it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club



and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified



herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing



and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!



The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.







MONDAY



Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth



it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She

was something of a

Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

Woo

Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was

alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next

to

her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in



which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very

inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut

was

already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.



This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!



TUESDAY



I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda



made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then

she

put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I



made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I

feel

GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.



WEDNESDAY



The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the



counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a



hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer



or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was



impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club

members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when



she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest



hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster.



Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered



obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and



enjoy life. She said some other shit too.



THURSDAY



Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,



cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half



an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to

workout

with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.



She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing

machine -- which I sank.



FRIDAY



I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any



other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little



cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without



unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on

my

triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the

floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs

more than a

sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and

nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama

coach or

the choir director?



SATURDAY



Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly



voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want

to

smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even



use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel.



SUNDAY



I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and



thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife



(the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root



canal or a vasectomy.
Ps. 51:12 A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.