Really cute "game" try clicking on everything...once I got thru the first of the 3 "rooms" it wasn't so hard.....a lil cheat....the cactus...!!
http://hollywoodrecords.go.com/polyphonicspree/questfortherest/
Put your brains to work...
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Remote Controlled Airplanes
Some really beautiful radio controlled airplanes, from a large "meet"!
I wanna a Little toy like that, hehe
http://www.largemodelassociation.com/cosford01.htm
I believe U’ll enjoy….
Cya!
I wanna a Little toy like that, hehe
http://www.largemodelassociation.com/cosford01.htm
I believe U’ll enjoy….
Cya!
Some Daffy's
"Do you fish with flies? "Fish with flies? Yes, we fished, camped, dined and slept with them.
Many college students in this country are graduating just in time to build the computer that will replace them.
Little boy: Daddy, Daddy, I only had one cavity. Father: Great! Passerby: How did he do it? Father: he only has two teeth.
A little girl was showing some of her little friends through her house. "This is my room," she said, "and this is my brothers room. And this," she said opening the door to the bathroom and pointing to the scales, "is where my mother measures her feet."
If your outgo is greater than your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.
How about driving?
Salesman: Yes sir, of all the cars on the lot, this is the one I'd feel most comfortable pushing. Car buyer:I don't want to feel comfortable pushing it - I want to feel comfortable driving it!
No matter what they say about marriage, it's still popular.
"Gee, Pop, there's a man in the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of it's tail and finishes up on the horse's neck." The father responded: "That's nothing I did all that and more, the first time I ever rode a horse.
An old backwoodsman went to the jewelers to get his watch fixed. When the jeweler pried off the back of the watch, a dead bug fell out. "No wonder it doesn't work," the woodsman muttered,"The engineer is dead."
Half our troubles come from wanting our own way, the other half comes from being allowed to have it that way!
Cleaned out
The tourist paid his bill at a luxurious resort hotel and, as he went out the door, noticed a sign that read: Have you left anything? "That sign is wrong," he said, turning back to speak to the manager. "It should say "Have you anything left?"
People still have faith in the future of this country. Look at the 30 year mortgages.
A barber surveyed the slick hair of the young man who had just seated himself in his chair. Then he asked, "Do you want it cut, or should I just change the oil?"
Many college students in this country are graduating just in time to build the computer that will replace them.
Little boy: Daddy, Daddy, I only had one cavity. Father: Great! Passerby: How did he do it? Father: he only has two teeth.
A little girl was showing some of her little friends through her house. "This is my room," she said, "and this is my brothers room. And this," she said opening the door to the bathroom and pointing to the scales, "is where my mother measures her feet."
If your outgo is greater than your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.
How about driving?
Salesman: Yes sir, of all the cars on the lot, this is the one I'd feel most comfortable pushing. Car buyer:I don't want to feel comfortable pushing it - I want to feel comfortable driving it!
No matter what they say about marriage, it's still popular.
"Gee, Pop, there's a man in the circus who jumps on a horse's back, slips underneath, catches hold of it's tail and finishes up on the horse's neck." The father responded: "That's nothing I did all that and more, the first time I ever rode a horse.
An old backwoodsman went to the jewelers to get his watch fixed. When the jeweler pried off the back of the watch, a dead bug fell out. "No wonder it doesn't work," the woodsman muttered,"The engineer is dead."
Half our troubles come from wanting our own way, the other half comes from being allowed to have it that way!
Cleaned out
The tourist paid his bill at a luxurious resort hotel and, as he went out the door, noticed a sign that read: Have you left anything? "That sign is wrong," he said, turning back to speak to the manager. "It should say "Have you anything left?"
People still have faith in the future of this country. Look at the 30 year mortgages.
A barber surveyed the slick hair of the young man who had just seated himself in his chair. Then he asked, "Do you want it cut, or should I just change the oil?"
Friends
Friends
> >
> > Me And You Is Friends ..
> >
> > You Smile, I Smile ....
> >
> > You Hurt, I Hurt ...
> >
> > You Cry, I Cry ..
> >
> > You Jump Off A Bridge ..
> >
> > I'm Gonna Miss You
> >
> > Me And You Is Friends ..
> >
> > You Smile, I Smile ....
> >
> > You Hurt, I Hurt ...
> >
> > You Cry, I Cry ..
> >
> > You Jump Off A Bridge ..
> >
> > I'm Gonna Miss You
Forrest Gump goes to Heaven
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up
fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody
ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too
hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees
St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and
Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I
was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I
will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St.
Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I
thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I
see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and
final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but
just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name
of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it
from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS
ME I AM HIS OWN. . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life.
Eccl: 13:31 The heart of a man changes his countenance, either for good or for evil.
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the
Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and
Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have
heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up
fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody
ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too
hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees
St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a chance to
think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins
with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and
Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I
was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I
will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St.
Peter.
"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I
thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd... "
"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I
see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and
final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure," Forrest replied, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can
understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but
just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name
of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it
from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS
ME I AM HIS OWN. . "
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."
Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life.
Eccl: 13:31 The heart of a man changes his countenance, either for good or for evil.
Fear of Alligators
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He
could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned
craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist
shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About
halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em." hehe
could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned
craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist
shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About
halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em." hehe
Weird Wisdom
(Where's 1 - 10?? dunno!!)
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. Drinker's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
19. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
20. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. Drinker's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
19. Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
20. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Friday, August 17, 2007
Prison vs Work
Prison vs. Work
Just in case you ever get the two mixed up; this
should make things a bit clearer.
IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an
8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a
6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day AT WORK...you only get a break for one
meal and you
pay for it.
IN PRISON. you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work
for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors
for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and
open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for
watching TV and playing
games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some
idiot who
doesn't put the seat down.
PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't
even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no
work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to
work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars
wanting to get out.. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get
out and go inside bars
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called
managers.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers
Just in case you ever get the two mixed up; this
should make things a bit clearer.
IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an
8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a
6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day AT WORK...you only get a break for one
meal and you
pay for it.
IN PRISON. you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work
for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors
for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and
open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for
watching TV and playing
games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some
idiot who
doesn't put the seat down.
PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't
even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no
work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to
work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars
wanting to get out.. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get
out and go inside bars
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called
managers.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers
Drug Store
Drug Store
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, Hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my
license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, Hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.
Don't Laugh
Don't Laugh
A young S/W Engineer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"
BE A Smart S/W Engineer!! :-)
Psalm 3:3 But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head...
A young S/W Engineer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."
The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!"
The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"
The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"
BE A Smart S/W Engineer!! :-)
Psalm 3:3 But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head...
Dirty Tricks
Dirty Tricks
I went on a retreat at a monastery up by Watertown, and one of the Brothers told me this thing he had done...I thought it terrific!!
One of the brothers told Bro Lawrence, that he didn't understand the talk he hears about bedbugs, that he had never seen a bedbug nor heard of anyone that he knew that ever had them....the perfect set up!!
Brother Lawrence took a large envelope sealed it shut and wrote on the face..Here's a bedbug for you to look at! but he had pinched off a corner of the envelope, so it looked like it had been chewed through, and laid it on his bed!
The guy went nuts when he opened the envelope, and no bedbug..and the corner chewed through!! He tore his bed completely apart hunting for the damn thing, and didn't sleep too good, thinking he was going to be bitten.
When he complained to Bro. Lawrence the next day, he fessed up and told him it was just a trick!
Joe Mcgeeny hired a guy to come and dig a well at Farmingdale, and he told him that his wife was really hard of hearing, and that he would have to shout to be understood by her. He had also told his wife that this guy was coming, and that he was very deaf and she would have to shout to make herself understood!
The old boy worked all morning at the digging, and about noon Helen went out and shouted, "Would you like something to eat?" "Yes he shouted back, I'm really hungry"
Over the dinner table they shouted at one another for quite some time, before the guy shouted to Helen, "How long have you been deaf?" stunned she said, "I'm not deaf! then shouted, "How long have you been deaf?" He replied, I'm not deaf either, but Joe said.......
Psalm 116:1 I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice
I went on a retreat at a monastery up by Watertown, and one of the Brothers told me this thing he had done...I thought it terrific!!
One of the brothers told Bro Lawrence, that he didn't understand the talk he hears about bedbugs, that he had never seen a bedbug nor heard of anyone that he knew that ever had them....the perfect set up!!
Brother Lawrence took a large envelope sealed it shut and wrote on the face..Here's a bedbug for you to look at! but he had pinched off a corner of the envelope, so it looked like it had been chewed through, and laid it on his bed!
The guy went nuts when he opened the envelope, and no bedbug..and the corner chewed through!! He tore his bed completely apart hunting for the damn thing, and didn't sleep too good, thinking he was going to be bitten.
When he complained to Bro. Lawrence the next day, he fessed up and told him it was just a trick!
Joe Mcgeeny hired a guy to come and dig a well at Farmingdale, and he told him that his wife was really hard of hearing, and that he would have to shout to be understood by her. He had also told his wife that this guy was coming, and that he was very deaf and she would have to shout to make herself understood!
The old boy worked all morning at the digging, and about noon Helen went out and shouted, "Would you like something to eat?" "Yes he shouted back, I'm really hungry"
Over the dinner table they shouted at one another for quite some time, before the guy shouted to Helen, "How long have you been deaf?" stunned she said, "I'm not deaf! then shouted, "How long have you been deaf?" He replied, I'm not deaf either, but Joe said.......
Psalm 116:1 I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice
Dinner
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning
young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and
walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband,
"but remember, if we get a divorce it means
that you don't get any more shopping trips to
Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more
summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and
Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Isaiah 1:18 Come now, let us set things right, says the Lord: Though your sins be as scarlet, that they may become white as snow.
fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning
young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and
walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband,
"but remember, if we get a divorce it means
that you don't get any more shopping trips to
Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more
summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and
Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club.
But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
Isaiah 1:18 Come now, let us set things right, says the Lord: Though your sins be as scarlet, that they may become white as snow.
Dense Discovery
Dense Discovery
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named " Bushcronium."
Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
The symbol for Bushcronium is "W".
Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantit y is referred to as "Critical Morass".
When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
Fortunately it appears that Bushcronium has a limited shelf life although the studies have been unable to determine exactly how long the stain on things it has touched will remain.
Mark 4:9 Whoever has ears to hear ought to hear.
A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named " Bushcronium."
Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
The symbol for Bushcronium is "W".
Bushcronium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantit y is referred to as "Critical Morass".
When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.
Fortunately it appears that Bushcronium has a limited shelf life although the studies have been unable to determine exactly how long the stain on things it has touched will remain.
Mark 4:9 Whoever has ears to hear ought to hear.
Who are they?
>> > A man died and went to heaven.
>> >
>> > St Peter asked, "What denomination are you?"
>> >
>> > The man said "I don't belong here, I don't go to
>> > church" .
>> >
>> > St. Peter said "Well, we don't make mistakes, you
>> > belong here, let's just
>> > walk around and you can see where you'd like to
>> > stay.
>> >
>> > So they walked down the hall, and St. Peter opened a
>> > door and there
>> > were all these pews with people kneeling and praying
>> > and crossing
>> > themselves.
>> >
>> > "Who are they?" asked the man. "Those are the
>> > Catholics." answered St.
>> > Peter. "Well, I don't want to stay here." said the
>> > man and they walked on
>> > down the hall.
>> >
>> > St. Peter opened the next door. Inside were all
>> > these pews with people
>> > sitting straight up staring ahead. "Who are they?"
>> > asked the man.
>> > "Those are the Protestants, answered St. Peter.
>> >
>> > "Well I don't want to stay here" said the man and
>> > they walked down the hall.
>> >
>> > The next room they came to, St. Peter opened the
>> > door and a big puff of
>> > smoke came out and the man smelled coffee. The man
>> > looked inside and there
>> > were all these people laughing and hugging and they
>> > got in a big group hug
>> > and said the serenity prayer.
>> >
>> > The man said, "I like these people, who are they?"
>> >
>> > St. Peter said, "I don't know. They won't tell us"
Sirach 2:1 My son, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials.
>> >
>> > St Peter asked, "What denomination are you?"
>> >
>> > The man said "I don't belong here, I don't go to
>> > church" .
>> >
>> > St. Peter said "Well, we don't make mistakes, you
>> > belong here, let's just
>> > walk around and you can see where you'd like to
>> > stay.
>> >
>> > So they walked down the hall, and St. Peter opened a
>> > door and there
>> > were all these pews with people kneeling and praying
>> > and crossing
>> > themselves.
>> >
>> > "Who are they?" asked the man. "Those are the
>> > Catholics." answered St.
>> > Peter. "Well, I don't want to stay here." said the
>> > man and they walked on
>> > down the hall.
>> >
>> > St. Peter opened the next door. Inside were all
>> > these pews with people
>> > sitting straight up staring ahead. "Who are they?"
>> > asked the man.
>> > "Those are the Protestants, answered St. Peter.
>> >
>> > "Well I don't want to stay here" said the man and
>> > they walked down the hall.
>> >
>> > The next room they came to, St. Peter opened the
>> > door and a big puff of
>> > smoke came out and the man smelled coffee. The man
>> > looked inside and there
>> > were all these people laughing and hugging and they
>> > got in a big group hug
>> > and said the serenity prayer.
>> >
>> > The man said, "I like these people, who are they?"
>> >
>> > St. Peter said, "I don't know. They won't tell us"
Sirach 2:1 My son, when you come to serve the Lord, prepare yourself for trials.
Adult
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both
ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Luke 13:5 If you do not repent, you will all perish as they did!
A person who has stopped growing at both
ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Luke 13:5 If you do not repent, you will all perish as they did!
What A Beautiful Blue Planet!
TThese are gorgeous views of Mother Earth from outer space, including what must have been an awesome dust storm! Enjoy!! Eddie
Click here: What A Beautiful Blue Planet!
Since I don't like blind click's like above, here's the whole address!
http://home.att.net/~hideaway_fun/442/planet.htm
Ax Me About Ebonics.
he trivia things I learn from
Click here: What A Beautiful Blue Planet!
Since I don't like blind click's like above, here's the whole address!
http://home.att.net/~hideaway_fun/442/planet.htm
Ax Me About Ebonics.
he trivia things I learn from
Friday, August 10, 2007
Shortest Test!!
This is really short & sweet. Give it a try.
This test is based on how cool you were in High School-- what crowd you ran with, etc., but it's
still pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to all your friends to see if they've changed.
SEE IF YOU ARE STILL A COOL PERSON:
http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm
This test is based on how cool you were in High School-- what crowd you ran with, etc., but it's
still pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to all your friends to see if they've changed.
SEE IF YOU ARE STILL A COOL PERSON:
http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm
Great Hubble Telescope Site!!
Go to this Hubble telescope site, scroll to the bottom and click on which planet you want to look at, really interesting!!!
http://www.spaceref.com/news/viewsr.html?pid=24149
http://www.spaceref.com/news/viewsr.html?pid=24149
Hi Tech
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy which she handed to me with the car keys.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
Mike's Girlfriend
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
Daytime Television
A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"
"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."
"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."
"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment."
Luke 6:30 Give to everyone who asks of you, and from the one who takes what is yours do not demand it back.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
"Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy which she handed to me with the car keys.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries...it's a long walk."
Mike's Girlfriend
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded.
"Please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed.
"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."
Daytime Television
A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"
"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."
"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."
"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment."
Luke 6:30 Give to everyone who asks of you, and from the one who takes what is yours do not demand it back.
Helpful Things
Helpful Things
>Sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.. (hmmmmmm...)
>============================================
>Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
>============================================
>For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze.
>(wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
>==================================================
>Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
>============================================
>Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
>==================================================
>Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!
>============================================
>Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body?
>======================== ========================
>Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
>================================================
>Spray a bit of perfume on the lightbulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
>================================================
>Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will Smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
>================================================
>Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
>================================================
>To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
>=================================================
>To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
>================================================
>Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
>================================================
>Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it Will keep for weeks.
>Sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.. (hmmmmmm...)
>============================================
>Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.
>============================================
>For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't refreeze.
>(wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)
>==================================================
>Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).
>============================================
>Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
>==================================================
>Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!
>============================================
>Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works every time! Now, where to put the body?
>======================== ========================
>Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
>================================================
>Spray a bit of perfume on the lightbulb in any room to create a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
>================================================
>Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will Smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and linen.
>================================================
>Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3 hours prior to burning.
>================================================
>To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!
>=================================================
>To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
>================================================
>Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
>================================================
>Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it Will keep for weeks.
Church Bulletin...Goofs!!
Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-------------------------------------------------------------------- -
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S is done.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now, Up Yours
Psalm 3:3 But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head...
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
-------------------------------------------------------------------- -
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
------------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
------------------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S is done.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
------------------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Now, Up Yours
Psalm 3:3 But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head...
God's Yellow Pages
Please click on "God's Yellow Pages", below:
Find a Scripture for every occasion...and it's free!!!
http://web2.airmail.net/dpelc/yellow/
Find a Scripture for every occasion...and it's free!!!
http://web2.airmail.net/dpelc/yellow/
Your Ticket to Explore!!
www.keyhole.com:
This is like a bag of chocolates, once you open it, it's hard to stop.. It allows you to see a complete three dimensional view of almost any place in the world. If you want to look at the Hague or the Vatican or just want to make sure your beach front hotel/motel is really on the beach, , download keyhole....Google's description of it is: Delivering the World to your desktop.... you can zoom from space to street level, and combine imagery to get the total picture in seconds, so if you like to explore here's your ticket!
This is like a bag of chocolates, once you open it, it's hard to stop.. It allows you to see a complete three dimensional view of almost any place in the world. If you want to look at the Hague or the Vatican or just want to make sure your beach front hotel/motel is really on the beach, , download keyhole....Google's description of it is: Delivering the World to your desktop.... you can zoom from space to street level, and combine imagery to get the total picture in seconds, so if you like to explore here's your ticket!
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Click for Disease or Problem cure!
Here is a neat web site, where you can click on any disease or problem, and see what others used to cure it...interesting!!
http://www.otan.us/webfarm/emailproject/rem.htm
http://www.otan.us/webfarm/emailproject/rem.htm
Facts of Life 1
1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
9. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
10. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
2. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
9. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
10. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
EYE EXAM
Eye Exam
I worked for an Ophtalmologist for 23 years, and in my first years we had these funny (now) things happen.
A man comes into the office for an eye exam. I take him into the room to do a history on him, he hands
me a note, that read: My Primary Dr. says that I have to take my pants off before I have exams, so you can
get a good exam. I siad, 'Sir this is a eye exam, you do not have to undress. He got mad and walked out!
New to the practise, one day a man comes in and I waited on him and he said: I have a problem with my
eye, What kind of problem I asked? He opened his hand and in his hand he had an eyeball. I backed away.
First it made me sick and 2nd I ran to the Doctor to have him come and see this guy, the Doctor then told me
it was a prosthetic eye. He just needs it cleaned. The office laughed their butts off,. they said I turned several
shades of whitewhen he showed me that eyeball.
A few years ago, one of the pts that we had seen for years and he liked to joke around on each visit.
This day I was helping out front, checking in patients. He said, "Mary have you ever seen rattle snake eggs?"
"No" I said. then he hands me this envelope, and said the eggs are inside, I proceded to open it when this noise
and movement started, I jumped out of my chair, threw my pen and of course yelled. He and his wife and the
reception room started laughing so hard, he came around the desk and hugged me. In this envelopeis a rubber
band wrapped around something, so when you release the pressure the rubber band unwinds and moves, it
sounds like a rattle snake. Believe me it scared the crap out of me. Whenever he came in he always laughed
at me, and said I was the best laugh he ever had.
You don't have a soul. You are a soul.
You have a body. ~C.S. Lewis
I worked for an Ophtalmologist for 23 years, and in my first years we had these funny (now) things happen.
A man comes into the office for an eye exam. I take him into the room to do a history on him, he hands
me a note, that read: My Primary Dr. says that I have to take my pants off before I have exams, so you can
get a good exam. I siad, 'Sir this is a eye exam, you do not have to undress. He got mad and walked out!
New to the practise, one day a man comes in and I waited on him and he said: I have a problem with my
eye, What kind of problem I asked? He opened his hand and in his hand he had an eyeball. I backed away.
First it made me sick and 2nd I ran to the Doctor to have him come and see this guy, the Doctor then told me
it was a prosthetic eye. He just needs it cleaned. The office laughed their butts off,. they said I turned several
shades of whitewhen he showed me that eyeball.
A few years ago, one of the pts that we had seen for years and he liked to joke around on each visit.
This day I was helping out front, checking in patients. He said, "Mary have you ever seen rattle snake eggs?"
"No" I said. then he hands me this envelope, and said the eggs are inside, I proceded to open it when this noise
and movement started, I jumped out of my chair, threw my pen and of course yelled. He and his wife and the
reception room started laughing so hard, he came around the desk and hugged me. In this envelopeis a rubber
band wrapped around something, so when you release the pressure the rubber band unwinds and moves, it
sounds like a rattle snake. Believe me it scared the crap out of me. Whenever he came in he always laughed
at me, and said I was the best laugh he ever had.
You don't have a soul. You are a soul.
You have a body. ~C.S. Lewis
EYE EXAM
Eye Exam
I worked for an Ophtalmologist for 23 years, and in my first years we had these funny (now) things happen.
A man comes into the office for an eye exam. I take him into the room to do a history on him, he hands
me a note, that read: My Primary Dr. says that I have to take my pants off before I have exams, so you can
get a good exam. I siad, 'Sir this is a eye exam, you do not have to undress. He got mad and walked out!
New to the practise, one day a man comes in and I waited on him and he said: I have a problem with my
eye, What kind of problem I asked? He opened his hand and in his hand he had an eyeball. I backed away.
First it made me sick and 2nd I ran to the Doctor to have him come and see this guy, the Doctor then told me
it was a prosthetic eye. He just needs it cleaned. The office laughed their butts off,. they said I turned several
shades of whitewhen he showed me that eyeball.
A few years ago, one of the pts that we had seen for years and he liked to joke around on each visit.
This day I was helping out front, checking in patients. He said, "Mary have you ever seen rattle snake eggs?"
"No" I said. then he hands me this envelope, and said the eggs are inside, I proceded to open it when this noise
and movement started, I jumped out of my chair, threw my pen and of course yelled. He and his wife and the
reception room started laughing so hard, he came around the desk and hugged me. In this envelopeis a rubber
band wrapped around something, so when you release the pressure the rubber band unwinds and moves, it
sounds like a rattle snake. Believe me it scared the crap out of me. Whenever he came in he always laughed
at me, and said I was the best laugh he ever had.
You don't have a soul. You are a soul.
You have a body. ~C.S. Lewis
I worked for an Ophtalmologist for 23 years, and in my first years we had these funny (now) things happen.
A man comes into the office for an eye exam. I take him into the room to do a history on him, he hands
me a note, that read: My Primary Dr. says that I have to take my pants off before I have exams, so you can
get a good exam. I siad, 'Sir this is a eye exam, you do not have to undress. He got mad and walked out!
New to the practise, one day a man comes in and I waited on him and he said: I have a problem with my
eye, What kind of problem I asked? He opened his hand and in his hand he had an eyeball. I backed away.
First it made me sick and 2nd I ran to the Doctor to have him come and see this guy, the Doctor then told me
it was a prosthetic eye. He just needs it cleaned. The office laughed their butts off,. they said I turned several
shades of whitewhen he showed me that eyeball.
A few years ago, one of the pts that we had seen for years and he liked to joke around on each visit.
This day I was helping out front, checking in patients. He said, "Mary have you ever seen rattle snake eggs?"
"No" I said. then he hands me this envelope, and said the eggs are inside, I proceded to open it when this noise
and movement started, I jumped out of my chair, threw my pen and of course yelled. He and his wife and the
reception room started laughing so hard, he came around the desk and hugged me. In this envelopeis a rubber
band wrapped around something, so when you release the pressure the rubber band unwinds and moves, it
sounds like a rattle snake. Believe me it scared the crap out of me. Whenever he came in he always laughed
at me, and said I was the best laugh he ever had.
You don't have a soul. You are a soul.
You have a body. ~C.S. Lewis
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!
Heart Attacks God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting
hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!
Heart Attacks God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
UP
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers up for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends,
we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.
To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.
If you are UP to! it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile,things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP.....
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?
Why do we speak UP and why are the officers up for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends,
we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.
We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.
To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.
If you are UP to! it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile,things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut UP.....
Californians
So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes,
you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George
Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.
Wis. 7:6 For all men have the same entrance into life, and the like going out.
--
you know you're from California if:
1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.
5. You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George
Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station: "STORM WATCH."
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.
Wis. 7:6 For all men have the same entrance into life, and the like going out.
--
Cajun Fishing
hehe like them smart fish!!
A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana
recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou
well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to
catch those fish?"
"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Deez here are
my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Ya. Avery night I take deez here fish down to de bayou and
let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump
rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then
said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really
works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
Used Shoutpost
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and
waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to
him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Folks in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but they
aren't as dumb as most
A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana
recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou
well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to
catch those fish?"
"Naw, ma fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Deez here are
my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Ya. Avery night I take deez here fish down to de bayou and
let dem swim 'round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump
rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"
The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then
said, "It's de truth ma' fren. I'll show you. It really
works."
"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"
Used Shoutpost
The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and
waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to
him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the Cajun.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"
Folks in Louisiana may not be as smart as some, but they
aren't as dumb as most
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Wanna be 6 again...
A husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland. What a day! They went on every ride in the park, the Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion..
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They drove to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, along with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about? I meant my dress size.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland. What a day! They went on every ride in the park, the Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion..
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They drove to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, along with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about? I meant my dress size.
Riddle me This
Riddle me this!!!
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
When we cannot find contentment in ourselves it is useless to seek it elsewhere
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
When we cannot find contentment in ourselves it is useless to seek it elsewhere
Iraq..Did you know that....
IRAQ - VERY INTERESTING - DID YOU KNOW?
1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq.
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!
6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq.
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.
8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.
10. Amos cried out in Iraq!
11 Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem.
12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq!
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the fiery furnace!)
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.
16.. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.
17. The wise men were from Iraq.
18. Peter preached in Iraq.
19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon,which was a city in Iraq!
And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often
mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is
Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.
The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia.
The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between
the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep
roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very
significant country in the Bible. Here's why!
Eden was in Iraq - Genesis 2:10-14
Adam & Eve were created in Iraq - Genesis 2:7-8
Satan made his first recorded appearance in Iraq - Genesis 3:1-6
Nimrod established Babylon & The Tower of Babel was built in Iraq
Genesis 10:8-97; 11:1-4
The confusion of the languages took place in Iraq Genesis 11:5-11
Abraham came from a city in Iraq - Genesis 11:31; Acts 7:2-4
Isaac's bride came from Iraq - Genesis 24:3-4; 10
Jacob spent 20 years in Iraq - Genesis 27:42-45; 31:38
The first world Empire was in Iraq - Daniel 1:1-2;2:36-38
The greatest revival in history was in a city in Iraq - Jonah 3
The events of the book of Esther took place in Iraq - Esther
The book of Nahum was a prophecy against a city in Iraq - Nahum
The book or Revelation has prophecies against Babylon
(Iraq's former name). Revelation 17 &18 No other nation, except Israel,
has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq. And also...
This is something to think about! Since America is typically
represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim
passages... The following verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible)
Quran (9:11) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a
fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the
lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair
still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of
Allah; and there was peace. (Note the verse number!)
Hmmmmmmm?! God Bless you all Amen !
I BETTER NOT HEAR OF ANYONE BREAKING THIS ONE OR SEE DELETED
This is a ribbon for soldiers fighting in Iraq. Pass it on to everyone and pray.
Something good will happen to you tonight at 11:11 PM. This is not a joke.
Someone will either call you or will talk to you online and say that they love you.
Do not break this chain. Send this to 13 people in the next 15 minutes. Go.
"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier." (amen!)
1. The garden of Eden was in Iraq.
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq.
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq.
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq!
6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq.
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq.
8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq.
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.
10. Amos cried out in Iraq!
11 Babylon, which is in Iraq, destroyed Jerusalem.
12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq!
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the fiery furnace!)
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the "writing on the wall" in Iraq.
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.
16.. Ezekiel preached in Iraq.
17. The wise men were from Iraq.
18. Peter preached in Iraq.
19. The "Empire of Man" described in Revelation is called Babylon,which was a city in Iraq!
And you have probably seen this one. Israel is the nation most often
mentioned in the Bible. But do you know which nation is second? It is
Iraq! However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.
The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar, and Mesopotamia.
The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between
the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers. The name Iraq, means country with deep
roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very
significant country in the Bible. Here's why!
Eden was in Iraq - Genesis 2:10-14
Adam & Eve were created in Iraq - Genesis 2:7-8
Satan made his first recorded appearance in Iraq - Genesis 3:1-6
Nimrod established Babylon & The Tower of Babel was built in Iraq
Genesis 10:8-97; 11:1-4
The confusion of the languages took place in Iraq Genesis 11:5-11
Abraham came from a city in Iraq - Genesis 11:31; Acts 7:2-4
Isaac's bride came from Iraq - Genesis 24:3-4; 10
Jacob spent 20 years in Iraq - Genesis 27:42-45; 31:38
The first world Empire was in Iraq - Daniel 1:1-2;2:36-38
The greatest revival in history was in a city in Iraq - Jonah 3
The events of the book of Esther took place in Iraq - Esther
The book of Nahum was a prophecy against a city in Iraq - Nahum
The book or Revelation has prophecies against Babylon
(Iraq's former name). Revelation 17 &18 No other nation, except Israel,
has more history and prophecy associated it than Iraq. And also...
This is something to think about! Since America is typically
represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim
passages... The following verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible)
Quran (9:11) - For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a
fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the
lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair
still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of
Allah; and there was peace. (Note the verse number!)
Hmmmmmmm?! God Bless you all Amen !
I BETTER NOT HEAR OF ANYONE BREAKING THIS ONE OR SEE DELETED
This is a ribbon for soldiers fighting in Iraq. Pass it on to everyone and pray.
Something good will happen to you tonight at 11:11 PM. This is not a joke.
Someone will either call you or will talk to you online and say that they love you.
Do not break this chain. Send this to 13 people in the next 15 minutes. Go.
"If you can read this, thank a teacher....and since it's in English, thank a soldier." (amen!)
More from Steven Wright!!
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
> >
> > I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.
> >
> > I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
> >
> > Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
> >
> > All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
> >
> > I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
> >
> > If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
> >
> > What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
> >
> > They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.
> >
> > Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
> up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
> >
> > Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
> >
> > Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
> >
> > What if there were no hypothetical questions?
> >
> > One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.
> >
> > When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a nail.
> >
> > A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
> >
> > What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
> >
> > My weight is perfect for my height.... which varies.
> >
> > I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
> >
> > The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
> >
> > How can there be self-help "groups"?
> >
> > Is there another word for synonym?
> >
> > The speed of time is one second per second.
> >
> > Is it possible to be totally partial?
> >
> > What's another word for thesaurus?
> >
> > Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
> >
> > If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
> >
> > Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
> >
> > It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
> >
> > Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
> >
> > I had amnesia once -- maybe twice.
> >
> > I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
> >
> > Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
> >
> > All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
> >
> > I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
> >
> > If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
> >
> > What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
> >
> > They told me I was gullible.... and I believed them.
> >
> > Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows
> up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
> >
> > Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
> >
> > Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
> >
> > What if there were no hypothetical questions?
> >
> > One nice thing about egotists... they don't talk about other people.
> >
> > When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look
like a nail.
> >
> > A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
> >
> > What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
> >
> > My weight is perfect for my height.... which varies.
> >
> > I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
> >
> > The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
> >
> > How can there be self-help "groups"?
> >
> > Is there another word for synonym?
> >
> > The speed of time is one second per second.
> >
> > Is it possible to be totally partial?
> >
> > What's another word for thesaurus?
> >
> > Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
> >
> > If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
> >
> > Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
> >
> > It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
> >
> > Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Funny's
46. If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane
made out of the stuff?
47. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
48. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
49. Why are they called apartments, when they are stuck tog ether?
50. Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
51. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? Didn't they nearly hit?
52. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
53. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
54. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
55. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is opposite of progress?
56. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
57. Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
59. I went to a cosmetic counter, and saw these little bottles of perfumes in a basket, I asked the lady
behind the counter "Are these things free?", at which she replied, "Free with any purchase." I said,
"Did anyone BUY anything today?"
made out of the stuff?
47. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
48. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
49. Why are they called apartments, when they are stuck tog ether?
50. Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
51. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? Didn't they nearly hit?
52. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
53. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
54. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
55. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is opposite of progress?
56. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
57. Why do we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?
58. I went to a bookstore and asked a saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
59. I went to a cosmetic counter, and saw these little bottles of perfumes in a basket, I asked the lady
behind the counter "Are these things free?", at which she replied, "Free with any purchase." I said,
"Did anyone BUY anything today?"
The Senator
.While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem We seldom see a high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What
we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"
says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a
clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have
a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I
would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday
I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Psalm 124:2-3 Had not the Lord been with us- When men rose up against us,
then they would have swallowed us alive.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it
seems there is a problem We seldom see a high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What
we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"
says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a
clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other
politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises..
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have
a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven.
Now choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I
would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a
barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday
I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted."
Psalm 124:2-3 Had not the Lord been with us- When men rose up against us,
then they would have swallowed us alive.
Pass The Butter!!
Pass the butter ~ ~ ~ ~ This is interesting.
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods..
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")!
"Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself."
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods..
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")!
"Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself."
True Doctor Stories
True Doctor Stories
>
> A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to
> have her baby in the
> cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
> rushed out to the cab,
> lifted the lady's --Dress,
> and began to take off her
> underwear. Suddenly I
> noticed that there were
> several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift
> I placed a stethoscope on
> an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's
> anterior chest wall.
> Big breaths," I
> instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully
> replied the patient.
>
> --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer
> of bad news when I told
> a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive
> myocardial infarct. Not
> more than five minutes
> later, I heard her reporting
> to the rest of the family
> that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart."
>
> --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
>
> I was performing a complete physical,
> including the
> visual acuity test. I
> placed the patient twenty
> feet from the chart and
> began, "Cover your right
> eye with your hand." He read
> the 20/20 line perfectly.
> "Now your left."
> Again, a flawless read. " Now both,"
> I requested. There
> was silence. He
> couldn't even read the
> large E on the top line. I
> turned and discovered that
> he had done exactly what
> I had asked; he was standing
> there with both h is
> eyes covered. I was laughing
> too hard to finish the exam.
>
> --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
>
>
> During a patient's two week
> follow-up appointment with
> his cardiologist, he
> informed me, his doctor,
> that he was having trouble
> with one of his
> medications. Which one?"
> I asked. The patch. The nurse
> told me to put on a
> new one every six hours and
> now I'm running out of
> places to put it!" I had
> him quickly undress and
> discovered what I hoped I
> wouldn't see.
>
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
>
> Now the instructions include removal of
> the old patch before applying a new one.
>
> --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
>
> While acquainting myself with
> a new elderly patient, I
> asked, "How long have
> you been bed-ridden?"
> After a look of complete
> confusion she answered,
> "Why, not for about twenty years
> -- when my husband was alive."
>
> --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
> "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
> the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
> labeled "KY Jelly."
>
> --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . .
>
>
> A new, young MD doing his
> residency in OB was quite
> embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover
> his embarrassment he had
> unconsciously formed
> a habit of whistling softly.
>
> The middle aged lady upon whom
> he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst
> out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up
> from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
> Was I tickling you?"
>
> She replied, "No doctor,
> but the song you were
> whistling was 'I wish I was
> an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
> --won't admit his name
>
> A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to
> have her baby in the
> cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
> rushed out to the cab,
> lifted the lady's --Dress,
> and began to take off her
> underwear. Suddenly I
> noticed that there were
> several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift
> I placed a stethoscope on
> an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's
> anterior chest wall.
> Big breaths," I
> instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully
> replied the patient.
>
> --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer
> of bad news when I told
> a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive
> myocardial infarct. Not
> more than five minutes
> later, I heard her reporting
> to the rest of the family
> that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart."
>
> --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
>
> I was performing a complete physical,
> including the
> visual acuity test. I
> placed the patient twenty
> feet from the chart and
> began, "Cover your right
> eye with your hand." He read
> the 20/20 line perfectly.
> "Now your left."
> Again, a flawless read. " Now both,"
> I requested. There
> was silence. He
> couldn't even read the
> large E on the top line. I
> turned and discovered that
> he had done exactly what
> I had asked; he was standing
> there with both h is
> eyes covered. I was laughing
> too hard to finish the exam.
>
> --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
>
>
> During a patient's two week
> follow-up appointment with
> his cardiologist, he
> informed me, his doctor,
> that he was having trouble
> with one of his
> medications. Which one?"
> I asked. The patch. The nurse
> told me to put on a
> new one every six hours and
> now I'm running out of
> places to put it!" I had
> him quickly undress and
> discovered what I hoped I
> wouldn't see.
>
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
>
> Now the instructions include removal of
> the old patch before applying a new one.
>
> --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
>
> While acquainting myself with
> a new elderly patient, I
> asked, "How long have
> you been bed-ridden?"
> After a look of complete
> confusion she answered,
> "Why, not for about twenty years
> -- when my husband was alive."
>
> --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
> "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
> the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
> labeled "KY Jelly."
>
> --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . .
>
>
> A new, young MD doing his
> residency in OB was quite
> embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover
> his embarrassment he had
> unconsciously formed
> a habit of whistling softly.
>
> The middle aged lady upon whom
> he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst
> out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up
> from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
> Was I tickling you?"
>
> She replied, "No doctor,
> but the song you were
> whistling was 'I wish I was
> an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
> --won't admit his name
The butler
Butler
This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A guy came home and found his wife in bed with three guys. "Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them. "Aren't you talking to me?" his wife snapped.
Did you hear about the blonde who put under "Education" on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...
Psalm 113:1-2 Praise, you servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord,
Blessed be the name of the Lord both now and forever.
This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A guy came home and found his wife in bed with three guys. "Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them. "Aren't you talking to me?" his wife snapped.
Did you hear about the blonde who put under "Education" on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...
Psalm 113:1-2 Praise, you servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord,
Blessed be the name of the Lord both now and forever.
Friday, July 27, 2007
Fun Game
Really cute "game" try clicking on everything...once I got thru the first of the 3 "rooms" it wasn't so hard.....here's a lil cheat...= the cactus...
http://hollywoodrecords.go.com/polyphonicspree/questfortherest/
Put your brains to work...
http://hollywoodrecords.go.com/polyphonicspree/questfortherest/
Put your brains to work...
Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says "Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their wroth as a human been?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimmination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this , mister, Im talking to that little bastard on your knee!".
Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says "Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their wroth as a human been?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimmination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this , mister, Im talking to that little bastard on your knee!".
Two Blondes
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'
'No, I'm sorry.'
' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '
'Will it take ME ?''
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'
'No, I'm sorry.'
' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '
'Will it take ME ?''
Sick Leave
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. "
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. "
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
Wanna be six again?
A husband asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd like to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland. What a day! They went on every ride in the park, the Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion..
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They drove to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, along with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about? I meant my dress size.
On the morning of her birthday, he woke early, got up, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to Disneyland. What a day! They went on every ride in the park, the Matterhorn, Space Mountain, Splash Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the Haunted Mansion..
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. They drove to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, along with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "Is that what this crazy day was all about? I meant my dress size.
Signs of Humor
Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."
In an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you are looking for, you've come to the right place."
In front of a church: "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non - smoking?"
Outside a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
On an electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push."
In an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you are looking for, you've come to the right place."
In front of a church: "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non - smoking?"
Outside a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
On an electricians truck: Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
Execution?
Bill Clinton, John Kerry and George Bush are captured by terrorists and
told they will be executed by a firing squad at dawn the next morning.
***********************************************
Just as the sun is rising the next day, Clinton is placed against the wall.
Just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad falls into a panic, Bill jumps over the wall and
escapes in the confusion.
****************************************************
John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall.
The squad is reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done.
Before the order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!"
Again the squad falls apart and Kerry slips over the wall, thus making hi s escape.
***************************************************************
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall.
He thinks, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall."
****************************************
As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his
direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, .............."Fire!"
(I Peter 3:12). "For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil."
told they will be executed by a firing squad at dawn the next morning.
***********************************************
Just as the sun is rising the next day, Clinton is placed against the wall.
Just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!"
The firing squad falls into a panic, Bill jumps over the wall and
escapes in the confusion.
****************************************************
John Kerry is the second one placed against the wall.
The squad is reassembled and John ponders what his old pal Bill has done.
Before the order to shoot is given, John yells, "Tornado!"
Again the squad falls apart and Kerry slips over the wall, thus making hi s escape.
***************************************************************
The last person, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall.
He thinks, "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop over the wall."
****************************************
As the firing squad is reassembled and the rifles raised in his
direction, he smirks his famous smirk and yells, .............."Fire!"
(I Peter 3:12). "For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil."
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Riddle me this!
Riddle me this!!!
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
When we cannot find contentment in ourselves it is useless to seek it elsewhere
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you .
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
When we cannot find contentment in ourselves it is useless to seek it elsewhere
Observant Policeman
An Observant Policeman
posted by: Brother Chris on: 02.06.07
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
. . . priceless.
He who's down... fears no fall.
posted by: Brother Chris on: 02.06.07
An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him.
"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian Fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
. . . priceless.
He who's down... fears no fall.
Crazy Laws 20 -
In Calgary, Canada, a by-law requires businesses within the city to provide
rails for tying up horses.
In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it
frightens horses.
In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
rails for tying up horses.
In Winona, MS, it is illegal to drive a car on Main Street because it
frightens horses.
In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
Crazy Laws 1 - 10
Cats in International Falls, Minnesota, are not allowed to chase dogs up
telephone poles.
If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you
are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to
have it done.
No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.
An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public
place without its master on a leash."
Another miss worded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray
pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose
without a taillight.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of
their whereabouts.
A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at
all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required
to wear diapers. 20
telephone poles.
If your dog gets your neighbor's dog pregnant in Danbury, Connecticut, you
are responsible and must pay for the abortion if the neighbor chooses to
have it done.
No dog may be tied to a shade tree in Birmingham, Alabama.
An ordinance in Belvedere, California, states "No dog shall be in a public
place without its master on a leash."
Another miss worded ordinance is this one from Arvada, Colorado: "If a stray
pet is not claimed within 24 hours, the owner will be destroyed."
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
In Sterling, Colorado, it is unlawful to allow a pet cat to run loose
without a taillight.
In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.
Cats living in Cresskill, New Jersey, must wear three bells to warn birds of
their whereabouts.
A Fountain Inn, South Carolina, law once required horses to wear pants at
all times. But carriage horses in Charleston, South Carolina, were required
to wear diapers. 20
American Fuel Efficiency
A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a
year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not Bad
Eph. 3:6 namely that the Gentiles are joint heirs, and fellow members of the same body, and joint partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a
year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not Bad
Eph. 3:6 namely that the Gentiles are joint heirs, and fellow members of the same body, and joint partakers of the promise in Christ Jesus
Too Funnnny!!
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party the host said, "I have a 10 foot man eating gator in my pool and I' ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. " The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud spash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking it's ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head buts, and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising Hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it floa t to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay, I don't want it." said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said NO.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.
At the height of the party the host said, "I have a 10 foot man eating gator in my pool and I' ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in. " The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud spash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking it's ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head buts, and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising Hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it floa t to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay, I don't want it." said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said NO.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."
Don't give God instructions -- just report for duty!
Rest Airline Cabin Announcements
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles ..
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine."
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles ..
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see
the back of mine."
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Airline Cabin Announcements
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
True Doctor Stories
True Doctor Stories
>
> A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to
> have her baby in the
> cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
> rushed out to the cab,
> lifted the lady's --Dress,
> and began to take off her
> underwear. Suddenly I
> noticed that there were
> several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift
> I placed a stethoscope on
> an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's
> anterior chest wall.
> Big breaths," I
> instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully
> replied the patient.
>
> --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer
> of bad news when I told
> a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive
> myocardial infarct. Not
> more than five minutes
> later, I heard her reporting
> to the rest of the family
> that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart."
>
> --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
>
> I was performing a complete physical,
> including the
> visual acuity test. I
> placed the patient twenty
> feet from the chart and
> began, "Cover your right
> eye with your hand." He read
> the 20/20 line perfectly.
> "Now your left."
> Again, a flawless read. " Now both,"
> I requested. There
> was silence. He
> couldn't even read the
> large E on the top line. I
> turned and discovered that
> he had done exactly what
> I had asked; he was standing
> there with both h is
> eyes covered. I was laughing
> too hard to finish the exam.
>
> --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
>
>
> During a patient's two week
> follow-up appointment with
> his cardiologist, he
> informed me, his doctor,
> that he was having trouble
> with one of his
> medications. Which one?"
> I asked. The patch. The nurse
> told me to put on a
> new one every six hours and
> now I'm running out of
> places to put it!" I had
> him quickly undress and
> discovered what I hoped I
> wouldn't see.
>
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
>
> Now the instructions include removal of
> the old patch before applying a new one.
>
> --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
>
> While acquainting myself with
> a new elderly patient, I
> asked, "How long have
> you been bed-ridden?"
> After a look of complete
> confusion she answered,
> "Why, not for about twenty years
> -- when my husband was alive."
>
> --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
> "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
> the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
> labeled "KY Jelly."
>
> --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . .
>
>
> A new, young MD doing his
> residency in OB was quite
> embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover
> his embarrassment he had
> unconsciously formed
> a habit of whistling softly.
>
> The middle aged lady upon whom
> he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst
> out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up
> from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
> Was I tickling you?"
>
> She replied, "No doctor,
> but the song you were
> whistling was 'I wish I was
> an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
> --won't admit his name
>
> A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to
> have her baby in the
> cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
> rushed out to the cab,
> lifted the lady's --Dress,
> and began to take off her
> underwear. Suddenly I
> noticed that there were
> several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
>
> --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At the beginning of my shift
> I placed a stethoscope on
> an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's
> anterior chest wall.
> Big breaths," I
> instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
> remorsefully
> replied the patient.
>
> --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
>
> One day I had to be the bearer
> of bad news when I told
> a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive
> myocardial infarct. Not
> more than five minutes
> later, I heard her reporting
> to the rest of the family
> that he had died of a
> "massive internal fart."
>
> --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
>
>
> I was performing a complete physical,
> including the
> visual acuity test. I
> placed the patient twenty
> feet from the chart and
> began, "Cover your right
> eye with your hand." He read
> the 20/20 line perfectly.
> "Now your left."
> Again, a flawless read. " Now both,"
> I requested. There
> was silence. He
> couldn't even read the
> large E on the top line. I
> turned and discovered that
> he had done exactly what
> I had asked; he was standing
> there with both h is
> eyes covered. I was laughing
> too hard to finish the exam.
>
> --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
>
>
> During a patient's two week
> follow-up appointment with
> his cardiologist, he
> informed me, his doctor,
> that he was having trouble
> with one of his
> medications. Which one?"
> I asked. The patch. The nurse
> told me to put on a
> new one every six hours and
> now I'm running out of
> places to put it!" I had
> him quickly undress and
> discovered what I hoped I
> wouldn't see.
>
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
>
> Now the instructions include removal of
> the old patch before applying a new one.
>
> --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
>
> While acquainting myself with
> a new elderly patient, I
> asked, "How long have
> you been bed-ridden?"
> After a look of complete
> confusion she answered,
> "Why, not for about twenty years
> -- when my husband was alive."
>
> --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?"
> "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,"
> the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
> labeled "KY Jelly."
>
> --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
>
> And Finally . . . .
>
>
> A new, young MD doing his
> residency in OB was quite
> embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To cover
> his embarrassment he had
> unconsciously formed
> a habit of whistling softly.
>
> The middle aged lady upon whom
> he was performing this
> exam suddenly burst
> out laughing and further
> embarrassed him. He looked up
> from his work and
> sheepishly said, "I'm sorry.
> Was I tickling you?"
>
> She replied, "No doctor,
> but the song you were
> whistling was 'I wish I was
> an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
>
> --won't admit his name
Breakfast at McDonald's
Breakfast at McDonald's .
Please read until the end.
This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called "Smile."
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.
I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.
We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.
I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling".
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.
He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.
I held my tears as I stood there with them.
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).
Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.
I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope."
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.
We are not church goers, but we are believers.
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.
Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.
She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
Philippians 4:6 Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests know to God.
Please read until the end.
This is a good story and is true, please read it all the way through until the end! (After the story, there are some very interesting facts!):
I am a mother of three (ages 14, 12, 3) and have recently completed my college degree.
The last class I had to take was Sociology.
The teacher was absolutely inspiring with the qualities that I wish every human being had been graced with.
Her last project of the term was called "Smile."
The class was asked to go out and smile at three people and document their reactions.
I am a very friendly person and always smile at everyone and say hello anyway, so, I thought this would be a piece of cake, literally.
Soon after we were assigned the project, my husband, youngest son, and I went out to McDonald's one crisp March morning.
It was just our way of sharing special playtime with our son.
We were standing in line, waiting to be served, when all of a sudden everyone around us began to back away, and then even my husband did.
I did not move an inch... an overwhelming feeling of panic welled up inside of me as I turned to see why they had moved.
As I turned around I smelled a horrible "dirty body" smell, and there standing behind me were two poor homeless men.
As I looked down at the short gentleman, close to me, he was "smiling".
His beautiful sky blue eyes were full of God's Light as he searched for acceptance.
He said, "Good day" as he counted the few coins he had been clutching.
The second man fumbled with his hands as he stood behind his friend. I realized the second man was mentally challenged and the blue-eyed gentleman was his salvation.
I held my tears as I stood there with them.
The young lady at the counter asked him what they wanted.
He said, "Coffee is all Miss" because that was all they could afford. (If they wanted to sit in the restaurant and warm up, they had to buy something. He just wanted to be warm).
Then I really felt it - the compulsion was so great I almost reached out and embraced the little man with the blue eyes.
That is when I noticed all eyes in the restaurant were set on me, judging my every action.
I smiled and asked the young lady behind the counter to give me two more breakfast meals on a separate tray.
I then walked around the corner to the table that the men had chosen as a resting spot. I put the tray on the table and laid my hand on the blue-eyed gentleman's cold hand.
He looked up at me, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Thank you."
I leaned over, began to pat his hand and said, "I did not do this for you. God is here working through me to give you hope."
I started to cry as I walked away to join my husband and son. When I sat down my husband smiled at me and said, "That is why God gave you to me, Honey, to give me hope."
We held hands for a moment and at that time, we knew that only because of the Grace that we had been given were we able to give.
We are not church goers, but we are believers.
That day showed me the pure Light of God's sweet love.
I returned to college, on the last evening of class, with this story in hand.
I turned in "my project" and the instructor read it.
Then she looked up at me and said, "Can I share this?"
I slowly nodded as she got the attention of the class.
She began to read and that is when I knew that we as human beings and being part of God share this need to heal people and to be healed.
In my own way I had touched the people at McDonald's, my husband, son, instructor, and every soul that shared the classroom on the last night I spent as a college student.
I graduated with one of the biggest lessons I would ever learn: UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
Much love and compassion is sent to each and every person who may read this and learn how to
LOVE PEOPLE AND USE THINGS - NOT LOVE THINGS AND USE PEOPLE.
An Angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.
To handle yourself, use your head.
To handle others, use your heart.
God Gives every bird it's food, but He does not throw it into its nest.
Philippians 4:6 Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests know to God.
Ventriloquist / Butler
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says "Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their wroth as a human been?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimmination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this , mister, Im talking that little bastard on your knee." ===================================================================================
Butler
This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A guy came home and found his wife in bed with three guys. "Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them. "Aren't you talking to me?" his wife snapped.
Did you hear about the blonde who put under "Education" on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...
Psalm 113:1-2 Praise, you servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord
Blessed be the name of the Lord
both now and forever.
Hes going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says "Ive heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a persons physical attributes have to do with their wroth as a human been?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement. "Its guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimmination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this , mister, Im talking that little bastard on your knee." ===================================================================================
Butler
This rich couple were going out for the evening when the woman of the house decided to give the butler the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his night. Well, as it turned out the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, and came home early.As she walks into the house she sees Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She calls for him to follow her. She leads him into the master bedroom, where she closes and locks the door. She looks at him and smiles. "Jeeves. Take off my dress." He does this carefully. "Jeeves. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeys her. "Jeeves. Remove my bra and panties." As he does this, the tension continues to mount. She looks at him. "Jeeves. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A guy came home and found his wife in bed with three guys. "Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them. "Aren't you talking to me?" his wife snapped.
Did you hear about the blonde who put under "Education" on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...
Psalm 113:1-2 Praise, you servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord
Blessed be the name of the Lord
both now and forever.
2 Blondes
Two Blondes
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'
'No, I'm sorry.'
' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '
'Will it take ME ?''
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'
'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'
'No, I'm sorry.'
' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '
'Will it take ME ?''
Bizarre Real Life Animal Laws
In Wilbur, Washington, it is against the law for a person to "ride an ugly
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
===========
Psalm 34:20 Many are the troubles of the just man, but out of them all the Lord delivers him.
horse" - the fine is $300!
If you live in California, you cannot keep your chickens, turkeys, goats,
cows, and other farm animals in an apartment.
In Cumberland, Maryland, you cannot keep your chickens with you in your
hotel room.
In Minnesota, it's illegal to tease skunks.
In Atlanta, it's against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or a
street lamp.
Riding a camel on a highway in Nevada is against the law. Over in Galveston,
Texas, it is against the law for camels to wander the streets unattended.
In Arizona, it is illegal to shoot or hunt camels.
It's illegal to take a deer swimming in water above its knees in North
Carolina
===========
Psalm 34:20 Many are the troubles of the just man, but out of them all the Lord delivers him.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Pass the Butter
Pass the butter ~ ~ ~ ~ This is interesting.
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods..
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")!
"Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself."
Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back. It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow coloring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavorings.
DO YOU KNOW...the difference between margarine and butter?
Read on to the end...gets very interesting!
Both have the same amount of calories.
Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams compared to 5 grams.
Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.
Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods..
Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few only because they are added!
Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavors of other foods.
Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than 100 years.
And now, for Margarine..
Very high in trans fatty acids.
Triple risk of coronary heart disease.
Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)
Increases the risk of cancers up to five fold.
Lowers quality of breast milk.
Decreases immune response.
Decreases insulin response.
And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!
Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC..
This fact alone was enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).
You can try this yourself:
Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will note a couple of things:
* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)
* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value; nothing will grow on it Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?
Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to "butter them up")!
"Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself."
Really 'cute' Game
Really cute "game" try clicking on everything...once I got thru the first of the 3 "rooms" it wasn't so hard.....a lil cheat....the cactus...
http://hollywoodrecords.go.com/polyphonicspree/questfortherest/
Put your brains to work...
http://hollywoodrecords.go.com/polyphonicspree/questfortherest/
Put your brains to work...
BOUNCE-SHEET REMEDIES
BOUNCE-SHEET REMEDIES
>My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent out a message To
>all
>letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets, to keep
>yellow-jackets away.
>
>Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am
>working outside. It really works. The yellow jackets just veer around you.
>
>1. All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer! It will
>chase
>ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.
>
>2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are
>sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
>
>3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened
>too
>often.
>
>4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when
>outdoors during mosquito season.
>
>5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
>
>6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your
>television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
>
>7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
>
>8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in
>a drawer or hang in the closet.
>
>9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
>
>10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of
>Bounce before beginning to sew.
>
>11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside
>empty luggage before storing.
>
>12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the
>front
>seat.
>
>13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill
>with
>water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent
>apparently
>weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
>
>14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom
>of the wastebasket.
>
>15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will
>magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
>
>16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with
>a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
>
>17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce
>will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
>
>18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce
>at
>the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
>
>19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or
>sneakers overnight.
>
>20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
>
>21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and
>storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
>
>22. Quick, bounce this on within the next 5 minutes! Nothing will happen if
>you don't, but your friends will be glad to hear these hints
>
> ¸... __________________
> ·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ ____/\
> ```)¨(´´´ | | | | | | | || |l±±±±|
> ¸,.-·°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°·-. :º° ·~·~·-..,¸
>
>
>"An individual has a healthy personality to the exact degree to
>which they have the propensity to look for the good in every
>situation."
>My mail carrier told me that the US Postal service sent out a message To
>all
>letter carriers to put a sheet of Bounce in their uniform pockets, to keep
>yellow-jackets away.
>
>Use them all the time when playing baseball and soccer. I use it when I am
>working outside. It really works. The yellow jackets just veer around you.
>
>1. All this time you've just been putting Bounce in the dryer! It will
>chase
>ants away when you lay a sheet near them. It also repels mice.
>
>2. Spread sheets around foundation areas, or in trailers, or cars that are
>sitting and it keeps mice from entering your vehicle.
>
>3. It takes the odor out of books and photo albums that don't get opened
>too
>often.
>
>4. It repels mosquitoes. Tie a sheet of Bounce through a belt loop when
>outdoors during mosquito season.
>
>5. Eliminate static electricity from your television (or computer) screen.
>
>6. Since Bounce is designed to help eliminate static cling, wipe your
>television screen with a used sheet of Bounce to keep dust from resettling.
>
>7. Dissolve soap scum from shower doors. Clean with a sheet of Bounce.
>
>8. To freshen the air in your home - Place an individual sheet of Bounce in
>a drawer or hang in the closet.
>
>9. Put Bounce sheet in vacuum cleaner.
>
>10. Prevent thread from tangling. Run a threaded needle through a sheet of
>Bounce before beginning to sew.
>
>11. Prevent musty suitcases. Place an individual sheet of Bounce inside
>empty luggage before storing.
>
>12. To freshen the air in your car - Place a sheet of Bounce under the
>front
>seat.
>
>13. Clean baked-on foods from a cooking pan. Put a sheet in a pan, fill
>with
>water, let sit overnight, and sponge clean. The anti-static agent
>apparently
>weakens the bond between the food and the pan.
>
>14. Eliminate odors in wastebaskets. Place a sheet of Bounce at the bottom
>of the wastebasket.
>
>15. Collect cat hair. Rubbing the area with a sheet of Bounce will
>magnetically attract all the loose hairs.
>
>16. Eliminate static electricity from Venetian blinds. Wipe the blinds with
>a sheet of Bounce to prevent dust from resettling.
>
>17. Wipe up sawdust from drilling or sand papering. A used sheet of Bounce
>will collect sawdust like a tack cloth.
>
>18. Eliminate odors in dirty laundry. Place an individual sheet of Bounce
>at
>the bottom of a laundry bag or hamper.
>
>19. Deodorize shoes or sneakers. Place a sheet of Bounce in your shoes or
>sneakers overnight.
>
>20. Golfers put a Bounce sheet in their back pocket to keep the bees away.
>
>21. Put a Bounce sheet in your sleeping bag and tent before folding and
>storing them. It will keep them smelling fresh.
>
>22. Quick, bounce this on within the next 5 minutes! Nothing will happen if
>you don't, but your friends will be glad to hear these hints
>
> ¸... __________________
> ·´º o`·, /__/ _/\_ ____/\
> ```)¨(´´´ | | | | | | | || |l±±±±|
> ¸,.-·°´ ¸,.-·~·~·-.,¸ `°·-. :º° ·~·~·-..,¸
>
>
>"An individual has a healthy personality to the exact degree to
>which they have the propensity to look for the good in every
>situation."
Sick Leave
Blonde's and Funnies
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. "
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the
Boss would not allow me to take a leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing ?
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days. "
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to her, " And where do you think you're going?"
(You're gonna love this.....)
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
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